Stephen Metcalfe - Writer & Director

Willy Rivers had its world premier at the WPA Theatre in New York in 1984. It is available from Samuel French Plays.

THE INCREDIBLY FAMOUS WILLY RIVERS
ACT I
(The faint sound of whistling, of cheering, of stamping feet - applause that suggests anticipation and expectation. The sound is distant, muted; as if coming through yards and yards of concrete; as if creeping through from some distant place. The sound turns into a more intense - what? Static? Applause? Feedback? All three? Silence. And then a voice out of the blackness - Willy's voice)
WILLY
Ladies and gentlepeople, boys and those of the female pursuasion, if there are any dogs and cats in the audience, they're invited to howwwwllll...! I think we can safely say - no, I don't think, I know - that he is a legend in his own time. There is a lovely black and white portrait of him on page 17 of your complimentary souvenir program. A full color 24 by 36 inch poster of him is on sale at convenient locations throughout the arena and say, while you're out there, how bout a big beer and a chili dog! Ladies and gentlemen, there ought to be music and don't worry, there will be; ladies and gentlemen, the incredibly famous Willy Rivers!
(The sound again; static, feedback, distorted applause. Lights have been slowly coming up. A man is sitting center. The sound fades away. The man - Willy - speaks.)
WILLY
That was horrible. Let's get down! Let's get funky! Let's all get incredibly moist and sticky wet! Let's have a hometown welcome for your fave rave and mine, the incredibly famous Willy Rivers!
(The sound again. It is coming from a large cassette deck that Willy is holding. He turns the sound to high and applause on the verge of distortion reverberates throughout the house. He turns it off. Silence.)
WILLY
The incredible Willy Rivers!
(Sound. Off.)
WILLY
The famous Willy Rivers.
(Again. Off.)
WILLY
Willy Rivers.
(silence, and then softly)
Oh, boy...
(He rolls onto his back and stares at the cieling.)
WILLY
Hold on to your seats, I have a feeling it's going to be a long one.
(a man in a suit enters)
SUIT
Willy.
WILLY
Oh, oh. Devil with a blue suit on.
SUIT
Hello, Willy.
(singing; off key, without rythm)
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(speaking)
I do. It's that time.
WILLY
No.
SUIT
Yes.
WILLY
Can't be time.
SUIT
Oh, but it is.
WILLY
No can be. I'm not ready.
SUIT
People tell me you're a problem, Willy. Are you a problem?
(Willy leaps to his feet)
WILLY
All right, let's get organized! I want rabid fans on my left! I want screaming hordes on my right! Any girls ain't been under me, line up along the wall, I'll go as long as I can!
SUIT
You know what I am, Willy? I am a problem solver. Nothing I don't know, not a problem I can't solve.

WILLY
Where the hell is my lucky jacket? That jacket's my trademark, jack! How am I supposed to convince anybody that a middle class kid from the heartland of America is misfitted, maladjusted and James Dean mean if I don't have my lucky jacket? That jacket has got wings on it, man! I hope nobody went into their lifesavings for this nickel and dime extravaganza! I have never! Been treated! In first class! Like this! In my life!
SUIT
Willy.
WILLY
Yeah?
SUIT
Cut the shit.
(Willy seems to sag. He is terrified of something.)
WILLY
I can't. Nothing feels right.
SUIT
People don't pay to hear excuses.
WILLY
It's like there's too much blood pumping through my body.
SUIT
Nerves. Nerves are to be expected.
WILLY
My back hurts. My throat and hands.
SUIT
That's all in your mind.
WILLY
It is not in my mind. My body, man, predicts the weather and it is tellin me that the weather, man, bites the big one.
SUIT
And so?
WILLY
And so...
(He rushes to his tape deck and puts on the headphones.)
WILLY
You ever seen one a these? This is a superdeluxe, class A, top of the line, get down and boogie walkman. And that's what I'm gonna do. Walk, man.
SUIT
Take your time, Willy. Get it all out of your system.
WILLY
Can't hear you! You wanna talk to me you're gonna have to put it on a cassette and plug it in. Panasonic Willy Rivers! I bet God wears headphones.
SUIT
Just remember. You and I have a contract. I love contracts. They're so... binding.

WILLY
What? I can see your lips move but I can't hear a thing. Speak no evil, see no evil and I can't hear no evil at all, man.
SUIT
Willy-Willy-Willy. I am so disapointed. It is time and everyone is ready except you.
WILLY
Hey, I was born ready, buddy.
SUIT
Ahh, you can hear me. I thought so. No more excuses. You're answering to me now. You'll hear your cue. You'll go on.
(exiting)
Ladies and gentlemen, the incredibly famous Willy Rivers.
WILLY
No! Hey! You tell'm if they clap their hands I'll piss in their pockets! I don't take charity, man. Not me, not this kid.
(psyching himself now)
WILLY
Okay. A river flows through here and it's wild and fast and in places the whitewater leaps to fifty feet high. And the name of that river... is Willy! Where's my guitar? Hey! How am I supposed to rock and roll without a guitar!?
(Pause. He sags, the false bravado gone.)
WILLY
Lord, lord... where am I gonna find the strength to do this?
(As if from a distant part of his mind: a guitar riff. It is violent, angry, on the edge of distortion.)
WILLY
(softly, to himself)
Oh, it is absolutely amazing the things that flash across a man's mind when he feels like he's going down and under for the third time.