Stephen Metcalfe - Writer & Director

WHITE LINEN - a "cowboy play with songs" premiered at The Old Globe Theatre in 1988. It was directed by Jack O'Brien.

THE PLAYING SPACE IS WIDE OPEN, DUSTY AND DIM, FRAMED BY ROUGH HEWN BEAMS. THERE IS AN UPPER LEVEL; WHAT MIGHT BE AN OLD EMPTY HAY LOFT OR STORAGE AREA.
IT IS NIGHT. MOONLIGHT THROWS THE SHADOW OF CELL BARS ACROSS THE PLAYING AREA
MEN ARE SITTING ON BUNKS AND WOODEN CRATES STAGE LEVEL - BACK CENTER.
JOHN WESLEY HARDIN IS IN HIS EARLY TWENTIES. WILD BILL LONGLEY IS AROUND FORTY.
THE MUSICIANS ARE AGELESS. THEY POSSESS A STOIC, DISCOURAGED, SOMEWHAT ALCOHOLIC DIGNITY; ARE DRESSED LIKE UNDERTAKERS FALLEN ON HARD TIMES; DARK, DUSTY SUITS, BOWLER HATS, MOURNFUL LOOKING MOUSTACHES AS DROOPY AS THEIR STRING TIES.
NOTE: BESIDES PROVIDING PART OR ALL OF THE MUSICAL ACOMPANIMENT FOR THE SONGS, THE MUSICIANS WILL SUPPLY "SOUND EFFECTS" TO ON-STAGE ACTION.
NOW, AS THE MUSICIANS STRUM AND PLAY, ONE SINGS:
THE MUSICIAN
As I walked out in the streets or Laredo, as I walked out in Laredo one day, I spied a poor cowboy all wrapped in...
(pause)
I spied a poor cowboy all wrapped in...
LONGLEY
Wrapped in what?
(THE MUSICIAN SHRUGS.)
LONGLEY
Ain't figured it out yet, huh?
(singing)
I spied a poor cowboy all wrapped in... burlap.
(THE MUSICIAN SHAKES HIS HEAD)
LONGLEY
Naw. Alfalfa.
(singing)
All wrapped in alfalfa!
(speaking)
That fits. Don't sound quite right though.
(singing)
I spied a poor cowboy all wrapped in... Shit. Well, don't worry none. We'll get it. Lord knows we got the time.
(WES HAS BEEN READING FROM AN OLD, TATTERED PENNY PERIODICAL.)
WES
Hey, Bill? Says here on page one a Great Western Tales that you, William "Wild Bill" Longley, was possibly shot dead in Texas, Souix Territories or Mexico even.
LONGLEY
Does it.
WES
It does. Also says you was almost strung up by vigilantes who was upset that you was takin' more than a passin' interest in their cattle.
LONGLEY
Interestin'.
WES
Say. Who writes this stuff anyways?
LONGLEY
Dudes. Crackpots. Got more imagination than talent. Turn the page an you'll probably read I was on the side a the injuns at Little Big Horn.
WES
No. It don't say that. Says that Kit Carson once shot a hundred buffalo with a hundred shots. Hit each one plumb in the eyes. Damn.
LONGLEY
You ever seen a buffalo, boy?
WES
Not so's I recollect.
LONGLEY
They offer`bout as much of a moving target as a milkcow. Any asshole can hit one. And has. That's why you never see'm no more.
WES
(reading)
Bat Masterson faced down, out drew and shot dead six ruthless desperados at Coopers Crossing, Kansas. Left them...
LONGLEY
Supine.
WES
- and squirming in the sodden soil, their carcasses dripping with gore. Whew!
LONGLEY
If Bat Masterson did that, it was at a hundred yards with a Winchester rifle and the dumb bastards he shot didn't have enough sense to get out of the way.
WES
Hold on now. I hear tell Bat Masterson is one a the greatest lawmen ever been.
LONGLEY
He ain't dead yet. Which is more than I can say for me in the very near future.
WES
(sighing)
Yes.
LONGLEY
Oh, now, what are you lookin' all glum about? You ain't the one gettin' hung.
WES
They're sendin' me to prison. I'd rather die.
LONGLEY
Well, you are a fool. Beats me how you ever come to trod the wayward path.
WES
Beats me too.
LONGLEY
I, on the other hand, was born to end up here.
WES
What? You believe a man is born to trod the wayward path?
LONGLEY
You don't?
WES
I surely do not.
LONGLEY
You figure some people just sorta develop a natural affinity for the work?
WES
I think good fortune comes from good intentions is what I think.
(GUFFAWS AND GIGGLES FROM THE MUSICIANS)
WES
It does. Furthermore, it is my opinion that conscience is the mark of a man.
LONGLEY
Oh, lord, a fanatic.
MUSICIAN
I spied a young cowboy all wrapped in -
WES
Tortillas!
LONGLEY
Tortillas?
WES
Somethin' wrong with tortillas?
LONGLEY
He's a cowboy not no caballero.
WES
I don't see you doin' no better.
(WES PICKS UP AND READS FROM GREAT WESTERN TALES.)
WES
Doc Holiday, the consumptive surgeon from St. Louis -
LONGLEY
Doc Holiday was a dentist, ya dang fool.
WES
- once shot a man and then, usin'a soup soon and a bowie knife, operated on him, hopin' to save his worthless life. Sadly the patient did not make it. You can bet that weren't Doc Holiday's fault.
LONGLEY
Boy... if you was any dumber, they'd have to water ya.
(THE MUSICIANS GUFFAW. THEY APPRECIATE LONGLEY'S JOKES. WES GLARES ANGRILY. THE MUSICIANS BEGIN TO SAW AND BOW.)

SONG * DIME STORE NOVELS
LONGLEY
A legend is a damn fool's life
A hero's just a man
It's fate combined with circumstance
You do the best you can
In hope and desperation
Until the day you die
Believe this, boy, nah, maybe don't
I'll always tell a lie.
WES
Every since I heard a indians I knew what I would be
A cowboy and an army scout
Who road the wild prairie as his own.

LONGLEY
Legend and tales, exploits and glory
Who gives a damn, it's a hard luck story
Outlaws and whores, bloodshed and tears
With the wave of a pen, it's all trumpets and cheers
We're talkin' fact not fable, the truth will set you free
Believe this, boy, nah, maybe don't
I’m fond of perjury

WES
Every since I heard of indians I knew what I would be
A cowboy lightnin' on the draw,
Who faced and faught the dread outlaw
But life don't make no sense at all
The outlaw man is me.

LONGLEY
Dimestore novels and two penny dreadfuls
paint something vivid and fair
But cowshit ain't gold dust and hoodlums ain't hero's
Better beware what you read's not out there.
Boys hear what they want to hear,
it gets them through their youth
Believe this, boy, nah, maybe don't
I never tell the truth.

WES
Ever since I heard of Indians I knew what I would be.
(THE MUSICIANS CONTINUE TO PLAY. A CHANGE SWIRLS AROUND WES AND LONGLEY. COWBOYS AND SALOON GIRLS ENTER AND PULL CRATES AND BOARDS FORWARD - THEY BECOME SALOON TABLES AND CHAIRS. LONGLEY BUCKLES ON A HOLSTER AND REACHES FOR DUSTY SADDLEBAGS.)
WES
You don't remember me much, do ya?
LONGLEY
Should I?
WES
Seems to me when you change the course of a man's life you oughta at least do'm the favor of rememberin'm.
LONGLEY
I did that?
WES
You did.
LONGLEY
Well, I don't.
WES
You remember bein' around Livingston, Texas?
LONGLEY
Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
WES
I do. I remember it - and you - like it was yesterday.